Dean shakes his head, shaking with anger and grief and pain, wishing he could storm out into the darkness and walk this off, but who knows what’s out there lurking in the dark, waiting for a moment of weakness. “Stop it…” he repeats again hoarsely.
“If we find a way out,” he says. “I want you to leave me here. If there’s a way out for you…just leave me. I will help you find a way, but only…only to get you out.”
Dean shakes his head, gripping at his short, dirty hair. “Stop it, Cas. I can’t…I can’t do this right now.” His voice is hoarse, his conviction about the optimism of their escape waning.
“I know,” he says, sadly. “But…I just…want to say how deeply sorry I am. I ruined you, ruined us. You were the best thing in my life and I…got selfish, at the cost of everyone I ever loved. I killed my best friend, destroyed my other best friend and completely shattered the only person I’ve ever loved.”
Dean wants to pull his hair out, to scream at Cas. He can’t give up. Not now. God, fucking christ, Cas, not now. Not after fucking everything that’s happened. Not after he fought so long to get him back, when everyone was telling him to let him go… He can’t lose him now. Please.
“I’m sorry, Dean,” he says, voice hoarse, broken. “I love you—so much, and I only make things worse. I hurt you, beyond imaginably and…I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
Dean groans in frustration. “You’re not Lucifer! Jesus Christ, Cas, you helped stop Lucifer! Remember?” He gets up angrily, pacing around the cave.
“And instead, I almost brought upon the end of the world myself,” he says. “Massive killing and genocide…torturing my own brothers and sisters, Dean. I’m no better than the Devil himself.”
He’s quiet. “I’ve…changed. I’ve become a monster. I belong here, Dean.”
“Well good thing I don’t care what you want,” he snaps. He’s gonna get Cas out of here if it kills him.
“Why?” he asks, voice quiet. “I don’t deserve saving.”
Dean groans in frustration, burying his face into his hands. “Come on, Cas…that’s not true. Okay, yeah, you fucked up. A lot. But it’s…it’s okay, okay? I, y’know, I’m over it,” he says with a sigh.
“It’s not okay, Dean!” he says, voice a low growl. “I hurt you, and I hurt them. I am supposed to be an angel, something that was created to protect humans, flawed as they are. To cherish and to love them. I’m…nothing more than Lucifer.”
“Well good thing I don’t care what you want,” he snaps. He’s gonna get Cas out of here if it kills him.
“Why?” he asks, voice quiet. “I don’t deserve saving.”
“Fuck that,” he snaps. “You and I are gettin’ the fuck out of here. Alive.” He nearly growls out the words, angry at Cas for giving up so easily. “So fucking stop that.”
“I don’t want you to save me,” he says, voice hoarse. “I don’t deserve it, Dean.”
He clenches his jaw, swallowing hard. Okay, so yeah, that shit still hurts, and when they finally get out of this god-forsaken (literally) place, he might have to deal with some of the backlash from that. But he meant what he said: this is a new leaf, new chapter, new…chance. “Well, I didn’t. And you didn’t kill me. So we’re even. And I know Sammy doesn’t hate you cuz he doesn’t have a bone in his body capable of hating. So we’re good.”
Cas looks down, quiet for a long moment. “I don’t deserve it, Dean. None of that. I deserve to—to die.”
Castiel is quiet, for a long moment. Dean’s stubborn. Dean’s always been stubborn, and he won’t take no for an answer. Cas knows that much already. Cas will just…lie to him. Or omit the truth. The truth is, he doesn’t want to be saved. He deserves to stay in here—to rot in Purgatory and have the Leviathans and everything else eat him alive. To snuff him out for good. He just…won’t tell Dean that.
But then Dean’s words echo within him, and he looks up at him, looking so small, nothing compared to the mighty angel he was once before. “…family?’
He looks over at Cas, and nods once, a sure nod, ,full of confidence and pure determination. “Yeah, Cas. Family. You and me and Sammy. We’re family. Family don’t get left behind, you understand me?” His eyes flash; he needs Cas to believe it because it’s the only thing keeping him going. Without it, well, they both might as well just rot in here like they were supposed to do years ago back in Hell.
He looks up at him, looking so weak and tired, so vulnerable, and he really wants to stay, wants to just fly Dean to Earth and stay here and get shredded forever to pieces for his penance.
“I still love you,” he whispers, a broken confession. “But I hurt you. I burned the world and killed countless, innocent people. I broke Sam’s wall and practically tortured him, and he is my closest friend. And you…I made you do something I swore I never would. I made your torture and I…I hurt you. I kidnapped you and you should’ve…you should’ve killed me.”
Dean clenches his jaw, eyes flashing with pain and anger. “Well…” he trails off for a minute, then shakes his head. “I ain’t leave you. I don’t fucking care what happened in the past, okay? We’re family, end of story. We both leave or neither of us go. Got it?”
His voice of righteous anger, practically begging Castiel to understand, to make him believe Dean’s words. He can be stubborn when he wants to, and boy, does he fucking want to. He didn’t go through all this shit to lose Cas in purgatory. Fuck that.
Castiel is quiet, for a long moment. Dean’s stubborn. Dean’s always been stubborn, and he won’t take no for an answer. Cas knows that much already. Cas will just…lie to him. Or omit the truth. The truth is, he doesn’t want to be saved. He deserves to stay in here—to rot in Purgatory and have the Leviathans and everything else eat him alive. To snuff him out for good. He just…won’t tell Dean that.
But then Dean’s words echo within him, and he looks up at him, looking so small, nothing compared to the mighty angel he was once before. “…family?’
